


To me, fair friend, you never can be old

by a_walking_shadow



Category: Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Audio Series: Ravenous, Audio: Doom Coalition, F/F, I love my oblivious queers, hopefully this works, i've never written romance before
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 20:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17210477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_walking_shadow/pseuds/a_walking_shadow
Summary: Helen has a crush on her best friend, and absolutely no idea how to act on it- if at all.Liv has a crush on her best friend, and absolutely no idea how to act on it- if at all.Both of them are completely oblivious to one of these facts. Unfortunately.





	To me, fair friend, you never can be old

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this is taken from one of Shakespeare's sonnets- #104, to be precise. I'm fully aware that the Doctor isn't really a man. Helen Sinclair is not, and parts of this story are written from her perspective.  
> (I own nothing.)  
> (Big Finish, get your act together and make these two adorable idiots canon.)

Helen Sinclair has a crush on her best friend, and she has no idea what to do about it.

You see, things are… not simple, back home, far from simple, but structured, when dealing with these things. One does not simply ask someone of the same gender if they are interested in a relationship! It’s social suicide, if you get it wrong! There’s a pattern to it, boxes to tick first, checks that have to be made. Just because female homosexuality isn’t technically illegal doesn’t mean her life couldn’t be ruined if the wrong person found out. It might not have been as bad in Britain as it is in America, but society was still hardly friendly towards women who- well, women in general, honestly.  
Helen’s ticked every box on the list, or at least, everything she can do without completely trashing her career prospects. She joined the badminton society, which might not have consisted _entirely_ of lesbian women, but they were certainly a large proportion, and the others were usually relatively polite if you got it wrong. She spent her Friday evenings at the Gateways, which wasn’t exactly her type of scene but was still one of the only places she could publicly acknowledge her sexuality. From there, she’d somehow ended up involved in the Minorities Research Group, and had promised a contribution to their newsletter- there was even talk of a magazine, at some point soon!

But here, out amongst the stars, none of that _matters_.  
Liv didn’t know what she was referring to, when she mentioned the badminton club. She’d risked saying something about The Gates, once, and Liv had muttered something about not being a big fan of nightclubs… which was nice, because Helen wasn’t either, but didn’t do anything to answer her questions.

She wants to ask. She needs to ask, somehow. Because she doesn’t think she can keep going like this. It’s hard to form full sentences, sometimes, when she’s with Liv, and the other woman does something stupidly reckless and somehow survives, grinning at her, hair falling around her face, chest heaving, high on adrenaline. Or when Liv talks her through yet another concept which must be basic for her, but does it patiently with no sign that she’s at all annoyed at Helen’s ignorance about spaceship design. Then Liv bumps shoulders with her, friendly and protective, and it’s a struggle not to grin like a maniac at that brief moment of contact. Or when-

There must be some kind of code, for Liv’s time. There must be some way to ask if she wants to take this further. Unless-

What if things didn’t get better? What if the witch hunts that had been happening in America in the fifties never really went away, and just kept spreading? What if those rumours of a magazine dedicated to female homosexuality were just that- rumours? Would Liv think less of her, if she found out? If they kept up the witch hunts, would Liv even understand the concept she was trying to convey?

She couldn’t ask the Doctor, of that much she was certain. He’d never understand what she was asking. And besides, the idea of asking a man, even one like the Doctor… it just wouldn’t be right, would it? Or worse, if he thought there was something wrong with her, then he could abandon her somewhere without any hope of ever getting home.  
She didn’t think he would, of course… but that wasn’t very reassuring, when she curled up in her room in the TARDIS, and her mind conjured images of a sneering Liv, of the Doctor’s blue eyes flashing in anger at her, the growl in his voice as he tells her to get out.  She doesn’t know him at all, really, and she’s already on thin ice, after what happened with the Eleven. He doesn’t trust her. She can’t afford the risk of making this worse.

Of course, that would be decidedly easier if Liv could stop being so amazing all the time.

 

* * *

 

‘How do I look?’

‘Like a… sexy penguin?’

_Wait, what?_

She’s not- It’s been years since- she doesn’t think that-  
Look. She made a promise to herself, years ago, when she started training to become a Medtech. She wasn’t going to be distracted by that sort of thing. Any time when she thought she might’ve changed her mind, things went terribly. Tal Karus died on the _Lorelei_. She ended up in a dalek prison camp. The human race started considering her a traitor because she tried to do her job and help people. Molly died. Martin Donaldson did too.  
Yeah. Things went terribly.

She’s accepted it. She got a chance to actually live, travelling with the Doctor. Molly- dear, sweet, Molly who deserved so much more- had, at some point, managed to convince her that happiness might not just be something that happened to other people. Liv could enjoy herself, too, and she still lost friends and watched people die and hated herself for every single one, but there was something addictive in the rush of adrenaline as she went toe-to-toe with the big bads of the universe and nothing could compare with the utter ecstasy of defeating them. It was enough. More than enough. She’d been dying, hated and alone, and now she has a purpose, and she has the Doctor, who may be an alien but he’s still a pretty good friend. And she has Helen.

Helen. Yes. Well.

Romance is too far. It’s something which very firmly falls in the category of something which other people get. That kind of connection would require someone dealing with her messes, and she can’t inflict that on anyone, especially not someone she cares for. Liv’s just ecstatic she gets to spend time with the most amazing, brilliant person she’s ever met. And Helen doesn’t know about her past, doesn’t know about dalek prison camps and traitors and the Master, so Liv can joke around with her and help her get used to time travel, and Helen smiles at her in thanks and doesn’t know what kind of monster she’s smiling at, eyes sparkling, dimples in her cheeks-  
“Sister Cantica” really doesn’t compare at all, does she? Not that she isn’t attractive, she really is, exuding sex appeal in a way Liv isn’t sure is entirely human, and Liv is sure that plenty of other people would be drawn in. But she’s met Helen, and now everyone pales in comparison. Liv just called Cantica “sexy” out loud, though, which is a) awkward, even if the other woman just smirked a bit, and b) not a word that would have come to mind at all if she hadn’t been daydreaming about Helen in Cantica’s place. Which is just even more awkward, and she’s suddenly incredibly thankful that she managed to keep that bit quiet, at least.

Liv Chenka has a problem, and she has no idea how to solve it.

Several problems, really. There’s the whole thing that she’s, well, Liv Chenka, and not exactly a well-adjusted individual, and Helen Sinclair is brilliant and precocious and deserves so much better than her. But also, Helen’s from the distant past. They did things differently there. Do things differently there. Liv’s pretty sure that no language was built for use by time travellers, with the possible exception of whatever it is they speak on Gallifrey. Anyway.

Does Helen even know that relationships between women is an option? Liv knows that it’s only recently when gender stopped really being relevant to most people. Helen’s time is definitely far enough back that they’ve undoubtedly got some crazy ideas surrounding this. What if she just scares her, if she brings it up? What if Helen thinks it’s a joke, or a trick, that Liv wants to test her somehow?  
Or worse- what if she believes it, but Helen thinks like the other people of her time period? What if she doesn’t want to talk to Liv, anymore? What if she loses her?

Travelling with an oblivious Helen Sinclair is painful, but travelling with one who hated her would be so much worse.

 

* * *

 

 Update: the idea of losing Helen permanently, without telling her exactly how Liv thinks of her, is even more terrible than keeping quiet.

Liv still doesn’t know who it was fulfilling wishes in Salzburg. She doesn’t know how he was doing it, or why each person only got one wish, or why he knew that she would want to save hers. Frankly, she’s not entirely sure that she cares. Helen is safely back with her, and that’s all that matters. 

She's young again, and if she remembers the lifetime she spent away from them, she doesn't talk about it. Liv's always known, logically, that she could lose Helen at any moment. But somehow, it didn’t really sink in until Helen was ancient and dying at her feet. Ever since, her nightmares have been haunted by the sight of Helen, old and worn, which makes so little sense, because Helen is young and beautiful and full of life. But it does make sense even if she doesn't want it to, because Helen Sinclair is nothing if not stubborn, and of course she'd spend a lifetime trying to put things right. 

She’s going to tell her how she feels. If Helen wants nothing more to do with her, fine. She’ll let Helen go showcase her brilliance somewhere and pick up the pieces of her own shattered heart. She’s done it before, even if it’s never happened like this. She’ll survive, somehow, if she has to.

Helen’s in the TARDIS library, standing next to a precarious-looking stack of magazines. She’s reading one, running her hands almost reverently over the words, eyes wide, like she’s just learned the greatest secrets of the universe. Knowing this place, she may well have.

‘Helen. Do you mind if we talk?’

She jumps at that, spinning around and flicking the magazine shut. Almost like she’s worried about Liv seeing it.

‘Liv! I didn’t see you there. There was actually something I was hoping to ask you.’

‘Yeah, uh. Do you think it could wait? Only I’ve got something to tell you, and I’m pretty sure if I don’t say it now then I’ll never get the words out.’

‘Actually, this is really important, because I was looking through the TARDIS library-’

‘Look, Helen. I know your home time is different to mine, and I don’t know how you’ll react to this-’

‘and, well, it’s been hard to trace this, goodness knows this place needs to be reorganised-’

‘history can be a kind of terrible place sometimes, especially on matters like this-’

‘but I’ve been reading up on the, ah, future history of relationships between women-’

‘in my time, no one has any issues with women falling in love with other women-’

‘and it really looks as if things get better than they were in my time. I don’t know how to say this-’

‘and I don’t deserve you, Helen, you’re the most amazing, beautiful person I’ve ever met-’

‘because I’m sure there’s some kind of etiquette on Kaldor, but it’s just so confusing to me, and I don’t even know if you feel the same about me as I do about you-’

‘and I know that in your culture, me saying this could come across as a bit of a shock, especially since I haven’t always been the most open about my past-’

 

_‘but I think I’m in love with you.’_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon Helen as a lesbian. Liv I see as asexual biromantic, and at some point in the future I may write a fic exploring this a bit more... but I also have, like, a dozen story ideas featuring Liv because she's brilliant, and I'm engaged in a duel to the death with writers' block, so it might be a while.
> 
> Anyway, as I said in the tags, I've never tried to write romance before. Please comment if you have any suggestions for how I can improve!!!


End file.
